I’m really excited to announce this new column here on the blog. Remember last week when I talked about delegating? Well, this new column is, in part, a reaction to that. I thought it would be cool to ask the smartest woman I know to share a bit of wisdom with us regularly on the blog–tackling common issues and philosophical questions that riddle our everyday. There is no one better to answer these types of questions than my mama, Ronnie (or Bubbie as my daughter calls her), who is not only a mother of three, grandmother to five and just a really wise woman, but she is also a Harvard-trained psychologist who has helped literally hundreds of women get their sh*t together. So in this column we hope to get the conversation going about issues that we face every day as women and mothers, as wives and daughters, sisters and friends. Our hope is that the topics of this column will soon be dictated by YOU. If you have questions for Dr. Bubbie, please feel free to leave them in the comments below (if you want to be anonymous that’s totally cool) and each time a new Dear Dr. Bubbie feature is posted, it will be in response to reader questions.
Today’s topic that Dr. Bubbie chose to write about is in reaction to yesterday’s blog post...Take it away Bubbie:
Am I turning into my mother?
When Justina wrote about the mother daughter duo at Mila Amor, it made me wonder about the old idea that certain character traits, like certain genes, skip a generation. Maybe your mother is outgoing, judgmental and opinionated and you tend to enjoy quiet times, and just let life flow? Maybe your mom is a couch potato and you’re athletic, or vice versa. Maybe she’s an artist, scientist, or mathematician, and you are, well, none of the above. Maybe she never bothered cooking from scratch, and you get great pleasure from planning and prepping beautiful, healthy meals?
My own mother’s home is super organized. She can find a nail file, a highlighter or a bottle opener in its proper place with her eyes closed. In my house you might find any of those items in the same “junk drawer” or in one of several other junk drawers around my home. When my mother came to visit us in different cities or even in distant countries, she always managed to find at least one cupboard or closet in our home to organize. I in turn, have a 2-year-old granddaughter who organized the pile of shoes in the front hall first by size, then by color. Did the organizing gene skip my generation? Or maybe I rebelled against “everything in its place”? Did I feel inadequate to live up to my mothers standards and therefore gave up trying and went for the creative, messy, lived-in feel?
At different times in our lives we have a greater need to focus on the ways we are like our mothers, and other times, to focus on the ways we are different. As little girls we often want to be like our mothers, we dress up in high heeled shoes and beads. As teenagers, our goal was to become our own selves, and even to take pride in the ways we were different from our mothers. As adults we realize that we can pick and choose the ways we are like our mothers and the ways we are different.
As I grow older I realize that I can live with my disorganized messes for just so long, and then I have to dig in and get organized. It feels so good to do it that I have to wonder: Mirror, mirror on the wall, I am my mother after all?
How are you like your mother, and how are you different? What skipped a generation in your family? What did you rebel against? What did you gravitate towards?
~Dr. Bubbie
Dr. Bubbie, Ida and Grandma Bette pictured above.
Thank you, Dear Justina, for inviting me. I am truly honored to be able to use this forum for sharing some of what I’ve been privileged to learn and welcome your questions, topics and concerns.
so honored to have you, mamza.
i look forward to reading your postings. my mother is not with us anymore, but i keep her memory alive for my daughter, daughter-in-law and my grandchildren and my son. thanks in advance for all you have to share. kk
Dear Justina & Your Glorious Ancestors, It is a privilege and a pleasure to get to know you without a word being spoken, by your interests on Pinterest. Glad I followed your droppings to here, your blog. Proud to know you come from wise, wonderful stock. Will look forward to following this blog from Dr. Bubby. I, too, seem to more resemble my humble, sweet grandmother more so than my own mother, who was very interesting, but suffered from mental illness mostly all of her adult life as our Mother. I credit my mother with the Creative Soul that came packaged inside me. And best? was when I understood that we Choose our parents, courtesy of a terrific book given by my daugher, age 26 at the time. I denied I would have chosen my mother…”No way, no WAY! would I have chosen Laura!” I said to Donna. But now I believe, I chose them all ~ and wouldn’t now wish it any other way. Bless your Strong Goddess Ancestors, Justina. You are as cool as life gets. And all they are conspired to bring you forth. It is a pleasure to bask in the glow of you…all. Your pinterest follower, ellen aka laughlight. I so enjoy your abundant artistry. Keep up the great, good goddess work!
such a lovely share, thank you Ellen!
I love this idea! So awesome. This is a topic I thought long & hard about when I was having my first little girl. As my mom and I were always oil and water, there were many ways in which my mom talked to me or treated me that I most definitely did NOT want to revisit on my girls. The Hyper critical, focused on appearances and micro managing behaviors that I felt were detrimental to me. I always thought that I wanted to build my girls up ( in my mom’s defense, she loves me very much & she THOUGHT she was doing what was best for me.) not tear them down. Love them for exactly who they were/are and help them celebrate that. I felt that my major wrestling with these issues contributed to my severe bout with postpartum depression. I am so grateful though, for all of it. It made me a better person & a better mama. I think! :)
xo
Melissa
thanks so much for sharing your experience. You have a lot of insight. It’s illuminating when we recognize our own ambivalence about certain values by how they play out with our kids. I first recognized my own when my girls were teen agers, and I felt compelled to guide them about “sexing”
I love this new column, very interesting. I think its a great idea to get good advice from other women, and who better then our mothers. Ok, so am I like my mother? I guess I am, although growing up I swore I wouldn’t.She was a single mom(dad passed away)so she was really hard on us. Now that I’m a mom myself I can appreciate all her hard work, and resilience to keep us together and love each other as much as we do. So, I guess I am. Because that’s what I want to instill in my children.
Dear Angelica. Thanks for joining the conversation. Love and resilience are great character strengths. In a study of three generation families,,we found that,kids said that the most important value they got from their grandparents was love.
I am exactly like my mom in that I look like her, talk like her, and have the same mannerisms. Other than that….. I have a bit more of my Dad’s personality and the interests of my paternal grandmother (diy, crafting, cooking, etc.) I’m excited for this new column and the discussions that it inspires!
Thanks Erica. Me too
To many points I am my Mom. She worked really hard to provide for us, and always gave us what she could, without giving too much as to not spoil us. I am just as much a hard worker, but I am ashamed to say that I am also selfish in many ways. As we grow older, it seems we appreciate our parents that much more. We still look to them for advice and guidence, even though we may not always choose to follow it.
Many of us were reared to believe that being a “good” means putting everybody else’s needs and wants before our own. As grown ups, it’s hard to remember that “putting on your own oxygen mask first” is not selfish, it’s wise. It’s a time to recharge your own inner light, so you can let it shine.
I love this column idea too! I always wished my mom was a psychologist, though she definitely acts like one informally ;) Honestly this question kind of terrifies me… I love my mom soooo much, but sometimes our similarities worry me, especially because if I can do ONE THING differently with my life it would be to avoid divorce and have healthier, happier relationships. Yet sometimes I see myself repeating her patterns, and we all know kids of divorce are more likely to divorce themselves. But, man, some of our parallels are FREAKY! We both moved abroad after college, fell in love, we have eerily similar professional/academic interests, similar insecurities and weaknesses, similar voices, similar habits. AHHHHH!!!
Haha :) I love her though, so I’m happy to say we’re a like in so many ways, and like your mom says… I will just do my best to PICK the ways we’re alike.
Amen to that…or as my spouse, justina’s Dad says: “Ah-person”
I love this new addition to your blog!
I grew up without my biological mother, as she died when I was 9years old. I now have a daughter that’s just turned 13. I always wonder how different I would be if I still had my mother…would her ways inform my ways? Also I wonder if what of her ways influence me without my knowledge. I feel like I’m sort of fumbling through this next stage of mothering a daughter since I don’t know what it was like to be mothered at that age. Time will tell I guess. Until then I will glean what I can from all the wise mother figures around me as I’ve always done.(including Dr. Bubbie :))
Dear Yetunde, thanks for the vote of confidence.
My mother and I are like chalk and cheese and I’m adopted so we dont have that genetic link. But I like to think that now we’re through my awful teenage years, and I’m a mother myself, we learn from each other. For instance, I’m returning to full time work soon, so will miss taking my little girl to ‘mummy and me’ dance class once a week with my coffee group friends. My mum is painfully shy and introverted, but has decided to take Evie to dance class which is miles out of her comfort zone. That is my confidence rubbing off on her. My mum is super savvy, in that make a silk purse out of a sows ear kind of way. Because of her, I can cook you something from nothing, grow my own vegs, remove stains from anything, craft, bake and nurture. She’s taught me a slow patience which I don’t think I naturally have! Lovely column idea, eagerly awaiting the next installment!
I enjoyed this post very much. I’m 55 years old and each year I look more and more like my mother, so that when I look in the mirror, I see her. It’s funny to me because I’m not really very much like her in personality or disposition but there is no denying the genes.
I was attracted to this column since I just lost my Mom in December. Mom never was one to delve into feelings or spend much time sitting with me. She instead was driven to keep moving. Even in late stages of Alzheimers she was like the energizer bunny-never slowed down.
Although I didn’t know her woman-to-woman as deeply as I would have liked, there are many times when I look up at the mirror over the sink and see her eyes looking back at me.
You are blessed, Justina.
I am so sorry for your loss, Natalie. Thank you for sharing with us here. Sending you positive thoughts and a hug.
I am the mom of three boys, 6, 3 and 22 months; they are boys with bold, capital B! I adore my boys and they are the center of my universe. However, aside from the joys of being a mom, I find myself to be completely unsatisfied with my life. What do you think is the most important step in recreating yourself?
Hi Jaz, Dr. Bubby is going to address your question in her next post–thanks so much for dropping by.
I’m not sure if this is the right place for a new query for Dr. Bubby, but here we go…
My best friend of 10 years recently broke up with his longtime girlfriend, and immediately started dating somebody new. He seemed very, very happy at the beginning, and so of course I tried to be as supportive as possible. But I don’t think she likes me. Last time I visited them, she wouldn’t let us have a moment alone to talk. Even walking around the city, if she saw us pair up and start talking, she’d come up and grab him and redirect his attention. We live pretty far apart, so there’s always lots to catch up on when we do see each other — some of it sensitive, personal conversations. It was hard to get into some of that with her there. I’m afraid she might be jealous or not trust our friendship — but I’m a married lesbian. He’s really not my cup of tea. Anyway, the communication between my friend and I has started to drop off more and more. I’m afraid he’s losing interest in long-term projects he and I had been working on…and maybe losing interest in me as a friend.
I’m terrible at confrontation and I don’t want him to think I don’t welcome and celebrate this new relationship in his life, especially if it continues to make him happy, but I miss my friend. Do I wait it out — keep being supportive and present as needed until she gets to know and trust me better? Or say something and risk his happiness — and maybe even our friendship?
I should also note that at first, she and I did things together (shopping, etc.) just the two of us so we could get to know each other and bond. Maybe I should be making more of an effort?