I was very lucky to have been one of those women who loved being pregnant. I loved having a huge belly. I couldn’t get enough of feeling little kicks and rolls and feeling extremely productive even while sitting on the couch watching Game of Thrones–I *was* after all, building a tiny human. I loved eating healthily and abundantly, I loved having excuses to take afternoon naps. I loved getting smiled at by strangers and dreaming about what my baby would be like. 
After my somewhat hectic labor and birth experience and being launched like a bottle rocket into motherhood, I feel weird (and even guilty) admitting that I miss being pregnant. While I am elated about being a new mother and about my gorgeous little one, I can’t deny the fact that I liked the way my body looked and felt more while pregnant than how I look and feel now. The stretch marks that just seemed to glisten when my belly was full and round are now deflated and wrinkly. There’s sag where there didn’t used to be. The (still) raw incision from my c-section is also taking some getting used to. I feel guilty for even caring about things like my appearance at a time when I should feel nothing but happy and grateful.
But it isn’t just about my appearance. While I was pregnant, my life was still mostly my own–while I gave up wine and a few other small things, I was still the boss of my life. Now, all of the sudden, I find that my life belongs to my tiny human who relies on me for absolutely everything. It’s pretty scary. And I recognize that this is only the beginning.
The Lamaze instructor Jason and I had warned us that we would have to give ourselves time to “mourn the loss of the pregnancy.” At the time I didn’t understand what she meant. It seemed ridiculous to mourn the loss of a pregnancy when the whole point of a pregnancy is to have a baby–and if you have a baby, what’s there to be sad about?
But now, for better of for worse–or even just for the experience of it, I totally understand what our Lamaze instructor meant. I am trying to give myself time to mourn my pregnancy. Writing about it here is part of my healing process. I feel exhausted, overwhelmed and weepy while I simultaneously feel grateful and totally love with my growing family.
I know my hormones are all screwy right now and I’ve read all about postpartum depression and being a person with a generally positive disposition, I am sure that these feelings, along with the stretch marks, will fade with time. But in the mean time I will try to take the best care of my daughter that I can–while also remembering to take care of myself, too.
A big thank you to photographer Bonnie Tsang for capturing so artfully, the most magical months of my life.
Those are feelings that almost everyone has but too few people talk about–I admire your honesty and openness. I remember having what my husband and I started to call my “regularly scheduled meltdown” every night at 8:00 for the first week or two after my daughter was born. Hang in there–you are embarking on a wild ride that will get better and better.
it already is– thanks so much for your words and encouragement!
I totally agree with Annie. I was just writing my cousin this morning about the first few weeks of parenthood. I’m a mother of three, two of them are twins, and I’m working on becoming a certified postpartum doula. And this phase of postpartum feels like a giant, scary trap. You have to give everything up and forget about yourself and it SUCKS. But then, all of a sudden the proverbial infancy cave begins to crumble, like the scene in the Goonies when the ship breaks free, and you’re able to use both of your arms and you’re new little human has got all kinds of new human things happening that you can relate to. But, for now, all you can do is make sure your new little bundle is fed and comfy. This is the stage when she learns to trust her parents. It’s is a huge sacrifice, and if you can, try to remind yourself that this is only temporary. Life will be manageable in the way that it was during pregnancy and prior. I swear!
Congrats on your growing family. I love her name. My Grandmother’s name was Ida, who I almost named my daughter after.
p.s. i highly recommend hiring a postpartum doula. We did for our twins and she made life so much more comfortable.
a postpartum doula would be very, very dreamy– for now im lucky enough to have two grandmas around–but maybe the next time around we could afford a doula.
Being a mum is just a series of beautiful, scary, guilty, happy and sad moments and each one comes at a different time…..and each moment happens to all of us. Just remember those mums that look like they have it all together are experiencing the same feelings you are at home behind closed doors and just not talking about them. My 6month old has just weaned herself off breastfeeding and I am grieving but she is completely happy.
There are also those moments that make you realise that baby doesn’t really just fit into your life and you do have to adjust around them. So much learning happens right now about them and ourselves.
Always remember your little one loves you unconditionally, holds no judgement and cant wait to see you when ever they are awake.
Those photos are an amazing record of a moment in your life. Gorgeous
so true… thank you!!
I’m with you completely…although I wasn’t able to enjoy my pregnancy as much. Having twins really did a number on my body, both during and now. But every time I look at my beautiful babies I am so grateful to my body. For now I try not to look in the mirror at the saggy mess that was once their home. It will just take time…hang in there. xo
yes… it’s already started to get better… thanks Susan
Thanks for sharing your love for being pregnant. I don’t think we hear it enough! Enjoy that little one…they grow WAY too fast!
beautiful, beautiful, beautiful: you, your words, your honesty, your faith in revealing yourself to us, your love of pregnancy. Like with all hard things, I believe the more you’re out right with it and let people know what’s up, then the good will come to you, what needs to come to you will come, whether that’s people with advice, more hugs, or the shift in feeling. I have yet to say a proper congratulations, but I’m loving see your baby photos and hearing your stories. Maybe I’ll see you and boomba at Stories soon : )
*Mari
yes! a stories date is in our future!! thanks lady. xoxo
The first time with your first baby is tough. You’re getting used to truly putting someone else first in life for the first time and doing it while sleep deprived and trying to learn all sorts of new things is very stressful. I found that when the little dictator finally started smiling and seeming more content with the services I provided I could finally start to relax and feel like there would be some rewards as well to this parenting thing :) It gets easier, you’ll be an expert at your kid in no time and that will boost your confidence and probably give you some light at the end of the tunnel. Good luck!
Beautiful words.
Take your time.
Perfectly said. You captured it beautifully. Thank you for hating your experience with us. :)
SHARING your experience
Hey you!! Congrats on your little one..its been a while. That feeling of missing being preggers is totally normal. I felt that way with all THREE of my children. Its like people smile at you, open doors for you,let u cut them in line, strangers rub your belly,waiters pack a little more on your plate..who wouldnt miss that treatment. Breastfeeding helped me a lot emotionally to bond with my little one. So I still ate right, took vitamins, drank plenty of water etc to produce enough milk. Without getting to lengthy here, I wanted to say that giving birth is the best feeling in the world and you are doing a great job. Keep your positive outlook as hormone combined with lack of sleep is making you confused. Like all other things–it will past. Email me if you want to chat. :-)
so sweet. thanks you!
I had a baby in January and I felt the same way, weird c-section scar and all. I slept like an angel through the whole pregnancy and suddenly I had to wake up repeatedly to care for my baby. Also, even though you love them to distraction, babies are a little intimidating when they are so young. They are floppy and fragile-feeling and they don’t do much. Now that my baby is 7 months and he can roll over and eat food and is almost crawling things have gotten a lot more interesting. Also my husband and I are getting better about making time for ourselves as a couple and individuals. So it gets better every month, but yes, one does mourn the pregnancy.
Our son arrived a month early, unexpectedly so. And all I can say, from new mommy to newer mommy, is to be easy and gentle on yourself. Let people take care of you these first few months as much as you can. Sleep, rest, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Congratulations, she is lovely and wonderful!
thank you for sharing your story.. i appreciate all the joy and color you offer on the blog but this post truly moved me. while i am not a mother yet, this is a great reminder that honesty and sharing our vulnerabilities is such an important piece of life and womanhood. thank you.
you took the words right out of my mouth! seriously, i had a baby 5 1/2 weeks ago and i was going to write a post exactly like this. (but never got around to it because…yeah…i have a newborn!) anyway it was SO WEIRD and kind of sad to go from being huge, pregnant, glowing and LOVING IT to being huge, not-pregnant, not-cute, tired-looking, saggy and graying very rapidly. i had an emergency c section too, and that really didn’t help matters. don’t get me wrong, i am totally in love with life with my new baby and feel like everything i ever dreamed of is coming true. BUT it is just a big adjustment and i wanted to just let you know that i feel ya. now…i’m going for a walk.
best of wishes and love to you and your precious babe!
awww, congrats on you little bundle. we’ll get thru it!! xxx
What a beautifully open, honest and thoughtful post. I am not a mother yet, but I’m definitely going to remember your words when the time comes. Change is never easy, no matter how wonderful the outcome. Thank you for for sharing!
Your honesty is refreshing, and I think it allows others who have had similar feelings to feel ok to talk about them too.
You expressed exactly how I felt during my first weeks of motherhood. I missed being pregnant so much, I missed my rund belly, everything. And I was completely overwhelmed by the shock of never being all by myself again for a loooong time. But, those feelings changed faster then I had expected. As soon as I was able to get out more, go into public with the baby or without, meet friend, dare to sit in a cafe, feel easy about breastfeading, around 4 weeks after birth, I relaxed. I was still around ;-) You will grow sooo much Justina!
Your feelings are completely normal. I loved being pregnant, and breastfeeding was the best aftermath of birth. I breastfed all 3 of my kids, who are now 21,24,26, and I still have days when I miss being pregnant or breastfeeding. It is such a connection, and with my kids being out in the world, I miss it. I cant wait for my kids to experience the birth of their own children. Relax, enjoy, and let Ida teach you what you need to know about her. <3
Yes, your life belongs to someone else now but it is the most wonderful feeling in the world! It took me a few months to realize that and fully appreciate the idea, I had to get over the tiredness and stresses with breastfeeding first. Once I got into my own routine and started going out more and my son started interacting more with me, I realized that I LOVED this new life! I have a c-section scar, stretch marks, saggy boobs, an extra 10 kilos on my body – but one smile from my son makes it all worth it!