Ida in Wonderland
I was in San Francisco for an event with Decorist last week and was chatting with a few women about being working mamas. One woman said something that resonated so much with me that I jotted it down in my notes so that I could elaborate on the topic here. She said that one of the things she finds most difficult about being a working mom in a creative field is that the creative energy that it takes to do her work and the energy it takes to hang with her kids feels like it’s tapped from the same source.
When she said this a light bulb went off for me. I work in studio five days a week. My hours are usually 8AM until around 6PM and everyday I’m bobbing and weaving between any number of creative endeavors: painting patterns, designing furniture or rooms, writing blog posts or presentations, working on books, styling vignettes, designing marketing collateral, concepting campaigns, etc. Since Jason is a stay-at-home-dad and cares for her all day long, by the time I get home he usually needs a break, and since my studio is just a couple of blocks from my house I get home almost immediately once the work day is done. Once home I spend the next two hours hanging with Ida before she goes to bed, usually around 8PM.
Ida, who just turned four, is in this serious stage of imaginary play. One minute she’s a veterinarian caring for her pet cheetah, then she’s Maria from The Sound of Music, then she’s a ballerina, or a kitty, or a dinosaur etc. etc. When she is in these roles, she assigns roles for me to play as well. If she’s the doctor, I’m the nurse. If she’s a ballerina, I’m her ballerina student, if she’s Maria, then I’m Mother Superior and so on. If I break character, I get an earful. And while on the weekends I can hang, have a blast, and can usually stay in character for a good amount of time, when I get home from work, my brain hurts. I can read her books, sit there while she takes a bath, or even make dinner (although Jason usually does that) but when it comes to games that require that I keep up with her creativity and imagination, I find myself feeling super tapped out.
As you can imagine I feel guilty about this quite often. As it is most days I don’t see her for the bulk of the day, and then I’m so spent creatively from my work that I don’t feel like I’ve spared any of my creative energy for her. While I know she has plenty of other caregivers in her life that engage with her creatively (her dad, grandparents, nursery school teachers…) I feel bad that it often feels like I’m ‘giving’ most of my creative energy to my work instead of to her.
It could just be that I’m tired when I get home (tapped out all together), and not that I have a certain quota of creativity that is running on empty, but I do wonder…Maybe if I spent the last couple of hours while at work doing admin stuff or other tasks that don’t require as much of my creativity if I’d feel like less of a zombie when I get home?
I’ve always been a bit of a workaholic and am pretty used to giving my all when it comes to my career — but now that I’m a parent I do feel like I need to keep some reserves of creativity, of that time of discovery and exploration that I’m used to dedicating to work, for Ida.
I’d love to hear your thoughts. I’m sure this is not just as issue for parents working in creative fields, or for parent-entrepreneurs either. We are all spread pretty thin these days I think. I see it in the faces of other parents. I also only have one kid — I can’t imagine how those of you with more children are able to keep up with their wild creativity and imaginations?!? How are you all managing? Do you have any tactics or ideas for how to manage and distribute your creativity between work and family?
Photo by me of Ida and her wild imagination at the Moorten Botanical Gardens.
This isn’t exactly the question you’re asking, but it’s one I’ve been asking myself (and maybe one you could share some thoughts on as well as a self=employed mama.)
Although I don’t have kids yet, my husband and I are trying, and I wonder what it’s going to be like as a working-from-home mom. I do all the shopping/cooking/cleaning/dog walking now – and I am a-ok with it, because the hubs works long hours and HEY, folding laundry is a nice break from the computer anyway – but how do you fit mom duties in there too? Is it possible? I have a hard enough time not getting distracted by TV or the hammock outside or a book I’m dying to finish… what about when there’s a precious babe to stare at and cuddle with?
If any readers here are work-from-home mamas I love to know how you manage with a little one. I feel incredible blessed to be able to work from home since I know child care is expensive & scary… but I wonder how double duty will go.
It’s really hard. When my daughter was a baby I could get some work done during nap time or but her in the bouncy chair while I was working but once she got old enough to walk around there was just no way I could get any work done while she was awake. The only solution I have found is to get her out of the house at preschool or with grandma so I can get some work done.
Thanks for your reply! That’s kinda what I figured – even my dog can get needy and bothersome after a few hours. I can’t imagine a toddler responds as well to “GO AWAY” and pushing away with my foot though (joking). Glad my family lives close by I guess!
Justina, I feeeeel this. It’s so hard. My daughter turns 4 this week and she’s in preschool 2 days per week and home with me while I work the rest of the week. I’m a photographer and run an Etsy shop, so much like you, balancing the creative work with the admin work with being a mama, I am d-o-n-e by the end of the day. My struggle is with doing the work during the day while she’s home. She’s a very independent player, and like Ida, super imaginative, but I have a hard time when I’m in a good working groove and she’s asking me to play with her, since she plays so well independently I feel like I have to put my work aside and give her my attention when she actually wants it. Not a bad thing, but definitely requires changing gears a couple times a day.
Think it is a matter of priority in life, which doesn’t mean you have to forget about yourself and your own endeavors but balance time and energy according to what’s really important. I mean, creativity, working, developing a career is great but then a good question is how much energy all that is taking from relationships, specially with your kids in such a young age when emotional nurturing from their mother and general availability in raising is foundational. I know the drive for self expression and growth is huge when you are an artist and entrepreneur but in a day I believe its not healthy that work consumes way more than time with family. Though many working parents say it is a matter of quality vs. quantity I ask myself if that ain’t kind of an excuse to justify prioritizing adults ambitions in business over bonds. I’m not talking about working 8-10 hours a day to survive, I’m saying when adults get carried away in their individual development so much that they can’t balance it out.
I hear you Julia. Thanks for chiming in.
I loved this post. I don’t have kids, so can’t offer any advice, but just think it’s good to hear this conversation. I spend what feels like all of my creativity at work–and I love it– but it means that our home has many projects I haven’t finished, and I don’t want to make anything just for myself. When I’m feeling especially zapped I know it’s important for me to make time for myself as well, and yoga often does the trick.
Yes I think I really need to incorporate yoga or pilates or something. I find that when I get strapped for time–this is the first thing to fly out the window!
As a mom of 5, all who are home-schooled, my first advice is to lower your expectations. You physically and mentally cannot be at the top of your game 100% of the time in 100% of your situations. I agree with what Julia said- it does come down to priorities, and while everyone has to make a living, and you are the one that works outside the home, make sure you are assessing the cost of that. Is it worth longer hours for less time with your daughter? Can you afford less time at work to be with your family? They aren’t fun questions but they are honest ones. It’s okay to look at your life and realize that you may prioritize work above family and live your life accordingly (using this as an example, not saying that this is what you do), but I think it’s important that people are brutally honest with themselves. Because then we can reevaluate and live differently if we want to. If you want more family time it is going to come at the cost of something, probably work, and possibly income. We are and always have been a one-income family, and with a family our size we don’t get to do everything we’d want. I would love to travel more, but it isn’t possible, I am choosing to stay home and school my kids, even on the days when I’d rather send them packing. And it is totally okay to prioritize different things at different times in our lives. No one can say what is right for any one family.
Wow Jess! I can’t imagine 5 kids *and* home schooling them all! Kudos to you!! thanks for sharing your words and wisdom.
Thank you for this. You just made me realize I’ve been kidding myself for four years about how much work I can actually get done while working from home, participating in a preschool co-op and otherwise taking care of two kids. Brutal honesty is so needed rn.
Here is what I am thinking: I do like being creative with my child and in my job, but the truth is, being a parent does not mean, I have to be perfect. Children are allowed to see that we are humans, who are tired after a long day. They also see that we do try to connect with them, but it is an important lesson, that your way of connecting does not always work and you need to compromise, when the other is not up to it. If you play with Ida when you do have the energy, she will see that it isn’t because you don’t want to, but because you can’t.
I would see to it, that my son has playmates to spend that energy with often enough, they might be even more imaginative and enthusiastic than I could ever be. And I will be the Mom, loving, caring, cuddling, and occasionally droopy eyed.
Dalia – A really great point! Being the Mom doesn’t equate to having to be the playmate too. I think we get confused these days, in trying to be everything to our kids; i.e. friend and parent. It’s important to draw the line in the sand. Perhaps that even allows for less exhaustion?
Thanks for sharing this perspective on things! It’s helpful to think about this type of approach, too. :)
Yes I totally agree. Playing is a treat. It’s not what I think of my primary role which to me is to nurture and provide for and teach. We have three kids and we both work. I do the 3 pm on shift and my husband does the morning. And we’re all home together by 6. I do give the bulk of my energy to my job; its a bummer but it’s reality. I don’t have a secret stash or a creative pool to keep in reserve for them. But I do have an afternoon iced tea on the way home to gear up for the day, part 2 and then I love them & give them a snack and do homework and listen and pay attention and look at what they want me to see right then and do whatever is my best for them that day. Sometimes I play–especially on the weekends after we do family cleaning, we do have fun. But mostly we just enable them to be kids. I tell them I’m the parent. We need to cook dinner and keep the house clean and they need to help us do that too. If it’s a truly bad afternoon and I’m really feeling awful With whatever new germs they’ve given me, I pay them a dollar to play with our 2 year old for 30 min! They love that. My point is yes I am real. The good thing about that it is the only thing possible and besides they’ll be real working parents too so we’re setting them up for success. Good luck!!
Justina,
So delighted to read our real life conversation turn into your thoughtful post! I am glad it resonated with you because I have thought about this a lot. As with all things parenting I try to fall back on maintaining my sense of humor about it all. New parents don’t need to worry because the kids very very slowly suck out your creative energy, so slowly in fact you don’t notice it until it is all gone! Just kidding. Sort of. I do try to be honest with my kids when I am tired or not able to be everything to everyone. Mine are older but I find that they can be compassionate if I keep it real with them. I also look to my mom for inspiration since she is an artist who has done some of her best work after the age of 60. I am lucky to let her be the hero on all things creative with my kids!
But no joke it is tough. There are a lot of pretty pictures out there that make it look easy.
It sounds like you have a terrific support of family and friends and your daughter is getting a magical and loved childhood. It’s so important for girls (and boys!) to have role models in creative fields that are making good things happen and being successful at what they love. I could go on forever.
Good luck Mama!
Hi,
Yes, so fun reading this post about our chat!
As my daughter gets ‘older’ (almost 7) I do find that she does give me more and more creative energy, as well as still requiring a lot! She started visiting me at my office, which we both love. I let her play in the finishes and draw. It’s fun for her, which inspires me.
Also, a nice glass of wine after bedtime always helps get me through a long day! :)
Neila
Rachel! It was great meeting you in SF and thanks again for sharing this idea! It has really helped me to think about this balance in a new way and different ways to approach the struggle. hugs to you mama!
What a wonderful post! Thanks for sharing your challenges Justina. I’m a mama-entrepreneur as well and I think what’s important is for our children to see how we’re dealing with our tiredness / stress / etc. My husband and I founded and operate a South American travel company together so there is a lot of give and take – sometimes we both come home spent because we’ve been dealing with the same challenges at work. Our toddler’s going to get an quicker, easier dinner (and probably not as nutritious as it could be) that night as are we but I try not to feel guilty about it because we’ll all lie down and read books together for a while longer before bedtime. I think over time our little boy will appreciate and learn from us taking care of ourselves even if it means a little less imaginary play one night and a little more reading or a walk or something. Be kind to yourself :)
Yes! Always good to remember kindness — to others as well as to self! Thanks for chiming in, Tara <3
Hi Justina,
I love this post and I think you do a fantastic job! Its not just being a working mama that will drain you. You havnt long moved house and have thrown yourselves into a complete renovation too!
We are in a similar situation and sometimes my head just feels clouded by everything that needs doing. we bought our house as a renovation project 6 years ago. Everything that has been done in the house is done only by us as we cant afford to employ contractors to do the job (hence how long its taking!). We have 2 children aged 4 and 2 and expecting our 3rd child in February. I have always worked in creative sewing jobs until we started a familly, but longed to work for myself. When I was expecting our first I planned to work from home after my maternity leave. I have never really managed to get much of a buisiness up and running other than odd sewing jobs and commissions. At times I have felt like a bit of a failure because of this but like you say sometimes theres just no creative energy left at the end of the day. I have eventually got my head around this and will carry on the way I am until our youngest starts playschool so I have a bit of extra time to focus on a buisiness.
Its definatly about prioritising things. I tend to throw myself completely into everything I do but sometimes it can be too consuming. There is only so much you can give to work, familly, house projects etc before you completly frazzle out. Are you able to employ anyone else to help ease the work load? To do the admin jobs or guest blog for you? Or Maybe work late one night to then finish early afternoon the next day for extra quality time with Ida? Or could jason do anything at work for you so you swaped for an afternoon?
I find if I am straight with my kids and tell them the situation they are often understanding about it. It helps them to understand compramise and give and take. If you havnt got the energy to do roll play one night then I think its ok to say that and suggest an alternative. Ida will remember that her Momma was there for her and wanted to play, whatever the game is. Not that you sugested a different game sometimes.
I find it helpful to have a few activity packs made up ready for when my brain really dosnt want to play. Craft activities to make something with all the pieces in there ready to go so dosnt require much brain power or searching threw cupboards. Or a treasure hunt in the garden to find 10 things. Kids seem to love it if you produce a plastic wallet with stuff in there ready to do and its easier on the parents to just pull something out for when they just need a bit more chill time with the kids. Hope that helps.
Rachel. x
Thanks for your words Rachel. It’s true this year has been really crazy with the remodeling, the work, and the mommy-ing. I also love the approach of being straight with Ida and communicating with her as much as possible about what is going on.
Love the treasure hunt idea!!
Big hugs to you!
As a creative working from or nearby home I just could not play a decent cheetah for a full two hours after work, before work, or even on the weekends. But I was a great cheetah for 20 minutes, then I was great at showing my children a creative way of seeing their world, at having conversations about what they were seeing, feeling, analyzing a text, interviewing a cheetah, laughing, being constant(ly bad at cheetah’ing), being able to solve problems, letting them be proud of themselves rather than pleasing me, building bridges to invite others into a safe place we together created (our home) who were awesome cheetah re-enactors. Oh the creative gifts of seeing and solving that you are incidentally providing Ida, you just cannot yet see. Creatives believe in that which is still untold. Do that!
Thanks for your kind words Joli <3
HEY JUSTINA,
JUST A LINE TO HIVE YOU A BIG CONGRATS FOR THE PIECE ON MSN. YES, I READ IT BEFORE AND HAVE THE MAG AT HOME….BUT TO OPEN MY BROWSER AND SCROLL THROUGH THE PIX
OF EXQUISITE EXTERIORS WAS GREAT.
WHO KNEW A HOUSE FROM MY OLD NEIGHBORHOOD (FROGTOWN/TOONERVILLE)
WOULD BE IN THE NATIONWIDE COLLECTION
OF 19.
KUDOS TO YOU!!
BILLIE
Hi Justina – just read your latest post. My kids are 24, 22 and youngest 18. I worked part time when they were small and have been home full time since 2009. I wish I could go back in time just to spend a whole day with all three of them to recapture a moment in time and to really listen to them to every thought they had, every idea, to hear their joy and excitement – to listen to their stories and to give more of ‘me’ to them. I only worked a couple of days here and there and that’s how I feel. Our kids feel when we are with them but our ‘absent’ as our minds dwell on the rush of life and they feel when a parent is listening or playing roles (when our kids are talking) but we are busy in our thoughts and answer back without much thought – we all need to slow down to a pace that we can hear and be aware of what they are saying. It all goes quickly, you will see that but the investment of time into children and family pays big dividends. You are a creative – and we humans are solution orientated work out something better so you feel ‘balanced’ with your little girl – best wishes ✨
yes I’m working on it! Thanks for the encouragement!!
What about asking her what kind of imaginary things she played today.?. be a witness to her telling about experiences..and then save creative imagining play with her for a couple of hrs on the weekend.
There is nothing wrong about setting limits.. Moms are best when they are real, kind, and the are a wise figure not a playmate.. or at least not at the complete will of the child (not matter how compellingly wonderful she is).
Yes! :)
both really great ideas/points. Thanks for chiming in!
Do you give yourself any break at all between leaving work and getting home to relieve Jason and playing one-on-one with Ida? Maybe your work day could be modified to provide a period of time for you to power down or meditate or just empty out before you’re “on” again with your child at home -? Is there something you & Ida can do together, as soon as you get home, that allows you a just a little more time to zone out? A favorite show to watch? Doing yoga together? An “art period” -? If she’s busy doing something while she talks to you, it may feel like less of a brain suck than if you’re inventing imaginary play together or if you’re having to follow her cues. Some type of a structured activity you can share as soon as you get home might be a little easier on you than following along with her improvisations. Can you take her for a walk when you get home or have a little dance & exercise session together after work every day?
Nan I really love the idea of doing something together with Ida when I get home that simultaneously allows me to wind down — I’m gonna try that. Thanks so much for chiming in. xxx ~J
I totally relate. My husband is also a stay-at-home dad, and needing a break by the time I get home. And also the kids need mommy time, like they haven’t seen me for a week!! And usually, all I need is a nap… because I’m rxhausted! Work drains us, and it is difficult to be at our best after it… I don’t have a solution though! Let me know when you find it!
oh yes, defiantly relate! But sorry no answers- just agreement… I have a 4yo and 2yo and I feel like either my work gets 100% and the kids get nothing or the kids get 100% of the creative energy and work seriously suffers. Striking some sort of balance feels so difficult when, like you, my way is to throw myself into something completely!
A great book that you might like to read is “Motherhood & Creativity, The Divided Heart” which speaks to this exact conundrum. A great read featuring stories from a bunch of Australian creatives- you will like it very much x
Thanks for the book rec! I’ll look into it!
Now a single parent , and mother of one, ( thank heavens) whose location change has brought about new routine. Early morning starts are providence 5-6.30 catching up on the rest of the world and making considerations for the day, week and months ahead. This is a bolt hole of time before I start in on Mama duties like packed lunch, rolling the not so little guy out of bed for breakfast and getting him on his way to school.
At twelve years old his questions come in short streams, or he is just impenetrable.You have to make the most of what is available. I’ll be busy and his ipad time will run over,( we continue to work on self discipline) and there my guilt still set in. Engaging is all important, we are not only growing businesses, we are growing people. Putting the right stuff in is required to get the right stuff out in both. Parenting is ever changing, depending on their age. for example: Our reading days are over, he’s totally stuck in, which is time well spent nurturing this investigative quality, and one element of his character Im thrilled I helped establish.
We walk together often ( I don’t drive – never learnt – are you choking on your coffee?) For us, this is a time to engage in conversation, even on an aimless amble. He’d be chattering at my side but I found my brain took a while to settle on; the questions, his stories or jokes he was producing. Part of me was still greatly absorbed in work – yes- there was / still can be a mental split. I’ve learnt quick meditations, in the a.m. and even walking ( in the car for others) meditations, help change the mental pace and creates mental space to engage , relax ( ok maybe whilst stationary in the car) or energize depending on the requirement. I’ve found defining the space of changing over from business to parenting role is really important, employing quick meditation bites either on the hoof or sitting, is a beneficial reset. I guess much like admin? but I’d take 6-10 mins of meditation over admin any day. Maybe time to pursue a group end of day 10 mins meditation at The Jungalow for a week and see how you ladies feel by Friday?
love this idea! it’s true that even ten minutes can be a game changer. Thanks for chiming in!
I believe that the benefits to young children, families, and society from the presence of women in all industries who are working full time and completely present and devoted to their work and creative expression is nowhere even measurable yet. There is so much untapped potential in all fields for women. And what that means for families in the future…people can’t even wrap their heads around. As a totally random person on the internet watching the growth of your business over the past 4 years in particular–I’m in awe, just utter awe. I wonder if you flipped your question – has the source of motherhood accelerated the source of your creativity? You inspire me to continue in my career–one in which women are grossly under-represented. Also what Nan said is on point.
that’s an interesting way of looking at it — as one thing is for sure, being a mama motivates me so much — I know she’s watching my every move and I want to set her up with a solid foundation emotionally, creatively and financially. Thanks for sharing your perspective and kind words.
I’m not working in a creative field, but I dabble in creating things around my home. My daughter is grown and gone now. I’ve found that my energy levels is diminished after a five day work week so I’ve started leaving work a bit early mid-week usually Wednesday and it’s made all the difference in my energy level. Maybe devote a half day just for your daughter and you.
Yes I’ve been thinking of doing just that. I think Wednesday afternoon will be our day :)
Love this article! I am amother of 3…6, 10 and 14…and work fulltime in visual merchandising and interior styling. Time with my kids is always so limited and although I am terrible when it comes to being the school involved mum…i let this slide in preference to being involved in their hobbies and loves. I try to never miss a soccer game or a performance (14 year old is a future musical theatre/acting star!) and my car time with them…getting them to school and never ending evening activities..is rich in discussion of EVERYTHING (This morning was discussing gay marriage with my 10 year old son, soccer club room bullies etc etc). Use the moments you have to the max and gor when you are spent…get them involved in your life. With my job I try to stay in touch with interior trends and blogs so I watch you tube videos with my 6 year old girl before bedtime and she ❤s and has strong opinions…. share your love and share in their loves and the rest fits into place.
love these ideas! Thanks for sharing!!
I don’t have any advice or war stories to share, since I am now just preggers with my first, but I am really interested in this topic and worried how I will be able to balance this stuff when the time comes. But I just want to say that I too am in total awe and admiration of the amazing business and beauty you have created, and in case you don’t hear it enough, you are doing an amazing job! You are an inspiration to so many people, I am sure whatever moments you can’t play the ballerina student are more than made up for by your little one having such a #girlboss inspiring Mama to learn from.
What an awesome post! It’s so juicy to have these conversations and about work and creativity and kids and how to navigate it all into a delicious life! I find when I am in ‘the zone’ and really inspired (usually painting, or playing with clay) I come back from it fired up, and with fresh energy for my kids (who are 1 and 4 years). But other creative tasks can have a less energising effect.
I also really love the RIE approach to parenting (Resources for Infant Educarers) which Janet Lansbury explains so well – I love this article on “your quiet presence is enough”. http://www.janetlansbury.com/2014/10/your-presence-is-enough/. When my kids want me to be with them, I mostly sit with them. near their play, and pay quiet attention, really try to see them for who they are. When they look to me for interaction I say something simple and observant, like “you are being a puppy. You have the ball”….and keep paying attention. I have used this approach with my kids since they were little, and being with them in this way feels a bit like meditating to me (maybe mindfulness practice?). I feel energised afterwards, and more peaceful. It certainly helps my introverted self to be with my kids when I really don’t feel like social interaction! They enjoy my attention and seem more connected with me afterwards. Sometimes they will say it was their favourite part of the day.
Good luck in your work, and your family life. It’s great to see a mama thriving in her creativity!
What a lovely post:)
One, because this topic is near and dear to me since ‘creative tap out’ happens on a daily as well with me and my 4 year old (and rambunctious 10 month old!) and two, because it sweetly, reflects what kind of devoted mama you are!! It’s really hard wanting to be everything for our daughters…. I often wonder, maybe I should be cooking with her more, does she like these songs because I picked them or because she’s into it, is there enough outdoor exploratory time in her day, almond milk or regular???!! Oh the lists go on and on, it’s mind numbing- the worry…. but thats the job, to worry. But the truth is, all Ida needs is her Mommy, in whatever positive form that is:)
Our daughters need us to be there, to give them time- I believe that time does not always have to be ‘entertainment.’ I am not her preschool teacher nor am I the next door neighbor here to play constantly. Our presence to support and rejoice in what they learn and play is enough. My daughter needs to learn about expectations as well- and sometimes we’re tired and that’s okay. As I’m writing this, Alejandra is in deep play with her legos on rug- I think they’re supposed to be ice cream cones…:) Occasionally, I’ll laugh along – maybe ask what flavor they are… but I let her get back to the ‘the zone,’ when she’s delighted to just play on her own. Her first request was that I join of course, but I told her I needed some ‘worktime’ and that I was here watching and listening. We can’t always get what we want right?
Since you come home after a long day of work, perhaps the first thing you do is something calming instead of straight play, reading a book or maybe even an early bath just to ‘reset,’ and give you a chance to breathe. When my husband gets home, everyone attacks him, everyone wants Daddy. One of the best things we do is all go for a walk! We all get air, a little exercise, Alejandra can walk or get on her scooter and the baby and doggy stroll happily. It’s also a great moment for me and the hubby to catch up.
Basically- do what feels good to you. Happy mothers = Happy children:) Don’t get down on your working life either- a hard working mother is an inspiring being! Your daughter is learning valuable lessons by watching you put forth such efforts! :)
Hi Justina! NO GUILT – it’s useless! (Ha ha ha, I’m riddled with it, so don’t take advice from me. I’m working on it. :-) ) I have a lot of trouble leaving work at work, and I feel terrible about the stress that I bring home and inflict on my family. A coach recommended that I do something to create a psychic break between the two spaces. Like, I ring the doorbell and call out, “I’m HOME!” Can you walk home, to give yourself a chance to be alone, to breathe the air, to feel the sun, to clear your head? Can you bring her into YOUR world instead of you entering her world? Can you do arts & crafts with her instead? Can you garden together? Can you have a dance party when you get home? Pick a song, and make it your Mama’s Home song. I think it’s important for children to see their mothers’ at work though, committed and passionate and engaged, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Actually, you know what, that’s my advice: Do your best and don’t be too hard on yourself (try not to be anyway). It’s damn hard to be a working mother, damn hard. Juggle, juggle, juggle, mama! All the best to you.
IDK if this helps, but my daughter is the same age as yours and also way into imaginary scenarios. The funny thing is that a lot of the time her make believe world last for about 30 seconds. So saying, “OK, I’m Rapunzel!” or whatever, often suffices. Basically, I’ve realized I don’t have to invest that much energy to satisfy her. It might be because you’re such a creative person that you really want to give it your all and dive into that world with her, but maybe you can get away with a lot less :D
Justina- thank you for such a refreshing post. I really needed to hear this today as I am laying in bed drinking coffee and taking a day off work to let myself rest. Because, yes, I feel like you everyday. While my work is not in a creative field, I am an executive and running the show takes a lot of stamina. My only piece of advice is to pace yourself at work. I have the tendency to want to power through my day- but I know if I do I won’t have the energy reserves to be a fun mom when I get home. Some days are better than others.
Working mom of 2. SAH Dad. Biggest shift for me was 1 year into child #2 when a yoga lesson started to manifest itself in my working mom-ness. See, in yoga, you hit the edge of a move where it hurts. It burns. It’s uncomfortable. And you really want to get out of it. But it’s not exactly painful. And that’s your edge. That’s where you soften your heart and ease a little deeper, shift your mind and be at peace with the edge. I suddenly realized being a working mom of two was the same thing. It’s uncomfortable a lot of the time. It’s edgy. It’s borderline painful. But when I let go of the guilt for both work and child, when I let go of the failed expectations for both work and child, when I started to celebrate how awesome I was doing at both (by no means perfect, but AWESOME at doing BOTH at the same TIME), then the guilt faded away. The pain faded away. I became present in both. And I found my edge and eased into it. Neither is perfect, but I’m doing the best damn I can in each. Combine all this with the realization that if your child is happy and cared for and engaged and developing just the way she should, it doesn’t have to be YOU guiding that whole ship. It takes a village, whether an innately built-in one like family or one that you pay for like a daycare. It doesn’t have to be you doing it all.
Letting go of the guilt and the perfect expectations is the key. Celebrate what you do more than worry about what you don’t. Ease into the edge. And be happy. Because at a very simple level, life is too short to not be.