Last year, in a post about my work, Grace Bonney wrote …I really envy people who seem to have been born with an innate sense of personal style that is so strong that it’s easy to identify their work/home in an instant…And I feel like people often say that about my style and it makes me wonder, where did my wacky, wild style come from? How did I cultivate it? Is it, in fact, innate? In order to get to the bottom of it, I have to think back and unpack deep questions about myself and my identity.
After college I made a conscious decision to pursue the visual arts instead of the performing arts despite the fact that I’ve always truly loved to sing. As teenager I sang in bands and choirs and for as long as I can remember I wanted to grow up to be a singer. I practiced ‘runs’ with Mariah (I had a Vision of Love was playing on repeat) and I tried (hard) to train my voice to mimic Chaka’s grit. I learned to play all my favorite Jewel songs on the guitar and I wrote long (often tortured) ballads inspired by Tori Amos and Ani DiFranco. I sang in gospel choirs, jazz choirs and classical choirs, I did musical theater. But somewhere deep down I never felt I sounded ‘black’ enough to really sing soul music (I never did master Mariah’s runs), and that I wasn’t ‘white’ (or thin) enough to be the next Jewel or Tori Amos.
As I explained this (kind of embarrassing) revelation to Jason the other day as we were chatting about my career path, he said something that has been on my mind ever since. He simply said “You were trying to sound like everybody else instead of just trying to sound like Justina.”
Yes. Wow. I had never (ever) thought about it like that. In hindsight it is so obvious. Painfully obvious. But I was working out my issues of my ethnic identity and I was somehow fixated on who I sounded like and which musical ‘genre’ I fit neatly into. In doing so I was limiting myself based on binary, juvenile (and ignorant) notions about ‘race,’ music and what I should sound like instead of focusing on discovering my sound, my voice or even, simply, focusing on what brought me joy.
Now that fifteen years have gone by and I’ve cultivated my own sense of style, I wonder if it’s not that very struggle with my own ethnic identity that has given me such a unique voice in the design industry? Is it that feeling of not fitting comfortably in a single genre (or ethnic group) that brings so much contrast and eclecticism to the rooms I design? Is it that I feel I can fully express my identity through design in a way that I never really felt I could with singing? Is it that in design I never tried to make my work fit into anything. It was always about what looked fun and inviting, relaxing and homey to me. Or maybe it’s just that I’m a better designer than I ever was singer. I guess it’s hard to pinpoint. But I am pretty sure that this crazy style of mine was not something I was born with. I feel like it’s come after years of working to embrace, discover and then express all of the colorful parts of myself. Now that I know what my style looks like, maybe the next time I pick up my guitar I’ll have a listen and see what Justina sounds like, too. (hint: less Mariah, more Justina).
evy says
thank you for this post and thank you for setting such an amazing example
Amy Madeline says
This is what I love about your blog and your style. Your open, honest, playful decorating and self expression is a model and invitation for me to open up and express myself more in my home and in my life. Thanks for sharing this personal insight.
Jennifer Steger says
I think your process was just what you needed to lead you to become an awesome interior designer. Thank you for sharing your concepts of race with us. It is a difficult topic to tackle, but you did so with grace. I’m a white lady, but my family has rejected me for being an artist with tattoos. My voice is also precious to me because of all that I have lost in order to be true to myself.
vv says
It’s so interesting and eye-opening to think back to all the notions and habits that shaped us! Thanks for sharing this (and thanks to Jason for that a-ha moment!). P.S. I keep a whole stack of Mariah CDs in the car.
Florence says
I love the honesty. We are always comparing ourselves to whomever is in the limelight, especially now that we have Instagram. We think if only we had their talents than that would be how our life would be. But what if we embraced and fully edified our own talents and used them to the fullest, where than would I be and how would I be living and what would I be achieving? It’s scary and hard to think so positively about your own talents that they could bring you success. I have anxiety and I know I am not using my talents to their max. But it’s never too late to reevaluate and get going again. So thank you for be so honest.
Libbynan says
I like to think that people who have trouble focusing on just one thing or look or genre (like me) are not “unfocused “, but “multi-focused.” I like too many things too much to focus on one. We are all searching for an identity, whatever it is that makes us unique. When I see a house that is totally decorated in,say, French provincial; I can’t fathom how the owner is able to give up all the gorgeous pieces from every other time and place. And that is what makes me who I am and you who you are. Perhaps you were more influenced by a search for racial identity and I was more influenced by being exposed to various cultures at an early age. In any case, however we got to where we are….we are in a good place that suits us. Here’s to many more adventures and epiphanies ahead!
Nikki says
I’ve heard you sing. You have a beautiful voice but designing seems to be your thing for sure!! So happy you embrace all the possibilities and share your uniqueness with the world. It’s refreshing!
Jett Thor son says
We are all a mixture of many parts , our life path leads us in a lot of different directions and discoveries . Some of those things we carry with us, some we leave behind . As far as I can tell , being an outsider to your life , You are in a great place . Your fans admire you , so sing your song of life , we are listening .
Gwen says
Thank you for writing this! I relate to pretty much all you said. Taking voice lessons myself right now and finding my voice creatively. Thanks for being vulnerable!
Peg says
I like your aesthetic, sometimes what you do works for me, and sometimes it is not quite my cup of tea, but I think the thing that I always appreciate about it, is that it is joyful, and that is what I want in my life, a place to call home that is joyful and comfortable. I am glad you are designing, but would love to hear you sing!
George Fukuda says
I love when you write with the heart. GO Girl & Groove ON!!
annton says
Maybe design has given you more freedom than singing. I don’t know, but singing seems to be so precious for you. I can totally relate to that and have walked a pretty similar path. Today I am the Fine Artist, while my sister is the professional singer. Being judged by my environment constantly, because of my crutches, I probably didn’t want this in my profession as well. And so, it seems I have choosen the path that is least connected to all those obvious clicheés. My own wings and my very strong voice. Does that makes sense? xo
Gail says
I think the same can be said for finding one’s lifestyle. You try hard to mimic or fit into the mold that everyone “thinks” you should should live. If you’re patient and pay attention to certain cues, your lifestyle finds you. As a black woman, I discovered that I’m way more Janis Joplin than I am Aretha Franklin and that’s okay.
Tapa Living says
Goodness, girl! This hit home for me. This blog and “Creativity” has given me so much hope and inspiration to keep doing what I’m doing. Thank you so much! xx
Debra says
Keeping it real as you always have. Keep that voice loud and clear!
Morgan says
Thank you for sharing this. I love how you connected the dots between the struggles of your younger self in one art form, to how you express yourself in a different art form now as an adult. I often feel like the similar sort of struggles I had as a girl drummer in bands in high school also shaped how I express myself as a lawyer as an adult. What limited me then I now relish in bursting out of now.
Cristin Wills says
And that’s why the arts are so important for all young people, the crossover applications are numerous in adulthood: experimenting in new areas, challenging yourself to perform in front of an audience, making new and fun connections. Fostering curiosity most of all! See how fun you are now?
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