“Cherish this time!” “It goes so fast” “She’ll be off to college before you know it!” These are just some of the phrases Jason and I endure in line at the supermarket, in the comments on instagram, while sipping coffee at the bakery.
One year ago today she was still in my belly, one week overdue–and now she’s eating corn on the cob, making 2-word sentences, scooting up a storm and she can use an iphone better than most baby boomers, for real. She has seven teeth for goodness sake. Seven! So I get it. She changes every single day, right before my very eyes. Ya. It does go fast, really super dooper crazy fast.
As her first birthday rapidly approaches, I realize that her birthday feels like much more of a milestone for me than my own birthday. Her birthday marks the day I became a mother, the day I became responsible for another human being, the day I was bonded with Jason for life in such a deep, deep way. I think I am having what my mother the psychologist would call an anniversary reaction. I had such an intense and, let’s face it, traumatizing birth experience that the ‘anniversary’ of this experience brings up unprocessed emotions surrounding her birth, the surgery, the life changes, the recovery. Hopefully, as the years pass and time helps to heal the wounds of that intense experience, Ida’s birthdays will be all about Ida and her milestones, her growth and her special day, but this year, or at least right now, her birthday is stirring up a lot of feelings for me about motherhood, the passing of time and the meaning of family for me. I wonder if it’s like this for other mothers?
What’s it like for you when your children have birthdays?
Before becoming a parent, I had nine months to prep for the idea of having a baby, and I felt mentally ready for the fact that it was going to be a really wild ride. But Ida’s first birthday kinda snuck up on me and I somehow feel less prepared for the fact that my infant is becoming a toddler– I have to set limits and boundaries now, think about the lessons I’m imparting to her, the examples I’m setting for her. I have to watch my potty mouth, how I relate to other people in front of her, my junk-food intake (she has started to look at me with suspicious eyes when I eat ice cream in front of her). She is a sponge and I see it more and more every day. This is all very intimidating–I know, just wait, next thing I know I’ll be taking her to Drivers Ed., right? Ha!
If, several years from now, I see you in line at Trader Joes with an infant of your own on your chest, and I peek over at you and tell you to “cherish this time” — I give you permission give me a nice, big, kick in tush–and please remind me that it’s not just these precious little cuddly baby moments that warrant cherishing, but each new word, each new phase of her development, and yes, each new birthday. I want to cherish her as a baby, a toddler, a child, a teen and as an adult. We all grow. It’s a good thing. Time is like one of those slippery water snakes that we played with as kids, impossible to hold onto…
In the mean time I am trying to live in the present–I am trying not to relive the trauma of past experiences or be too anxious about what the future holds. I will, however, try to remember these feelings I’m having now next year on my own birthday–I’ll also try and remember to give my mom a little extra love on that day because, I see after having given birth myself, birthdays mean something different to me now than they have in the past thirty-three years. Now I’m off to make a birthday cake…Have a wonderful weekend my friends, full of moments that fill your heart with tenderness and excitement for what lies ahead…growth, change, and a whole lotta mystery…
Such beautiful and poignant words – happy birthday to BOTH of you!
From your Idagrams and family instagrams I can tell you are cherishing those little moments!
such a great post Justina! I definitely experienced this as well, especially because I also had a tough delivery experience and postpartum period as well, and I felt like I almost missed out on the wonderful newness because I was struggling. At the time I was almost relieved the first year was over, and now looking back I’m so sad that I felt that way – I was just in survival mode I think. I probably say “cherish this time” to new moms too because I wish I had (or had been able to) and am excited to try it again. But you’re right, it is all time to cherish – I do that now, everyday, even in the throws of toddlerdom when my child is having his 10th meltdown of the morning because I don’t have teddy bear bandaids or he wanted to turn the light off himself. I just have to laugh and remind myself it is all part of the experience and how he learns to be his own person. I will say that I think year two (and then year three) get even more challenging but even more fun too. Happy almost birthday to Ida (and you!) xx
Terrific post, Justina! I can easily say, as the mother of a 22 year old son, when we mutter “cherish this time” it is because, now is the time when she is a loving, dependant snuggle bunny. When she is toddler and “No” is her only sentence of choice, when she is a child and no longer hugs you in front of her friends, when she is a teen and rolls her eyes at you for the first time, and as an adult, when she feels she no longer needs to check in everyday…you will be cherishing those sweet apple-cheeked days and looking back at her eating corn on the cob pics with a fond sadness. Cherish each milestone. Happy Birthday, Ida!
Well said…I felt the same this month when M + H turned one. It brought back both beautiful and traumatic memories for me, and was more about us celebrating surviving year one with twins than it was about them, ha! I look forward to their birthdays being more about them, and memories they will always cherish. Happy birthday Ida!
Awesome post, Justina.
Your blog is gonna be my go-to for all things baby once I’m ready to have a little one.
Happy weekend!
the trauma will pass, it just works like that! i too had trauma, my baby was in nicu for 12 long days….
you are still in the new mama phase. itnwill always be there but the wounds, they heal with all the beauty.
but, time. oh time. it flies~
becoming a parent give us a bird eye view of it’s passing, like the seasons and realizing there is a finite number is sobering. thrse days i too amd cherishing, realizing, hugging and embracing the absolute preciousness of life. sometimes it is important to just “see”
Such a beautiful post and heart warming to read on this Friday afternoon!
thank you for sharing your tender thoughts!
I have twin boys that are 7 and a 5 year old daughter and believe me I am SO glad that the twins are out of their infancy. When I had my daughter I actually was able to enjoy her as an infant. (1 vs. 2) Now that they are all out of the toddler stage we all enjoy each other and it’s awesome. Each phase of having a family has it’s ups and downs that’s what keeps it interesting. Best wishes on this anniversary of births…mother, father and daughter…
Your birth story, your little one’s birthday and your experience with motherhood have so closely mirrored my own, I find it freaky, to be honest. We just celebrated my son’s first birthday and what I call my first Mommiversary on Thursday. I just could not take my eyes off my son. And I literally felt like he grew physically and mentally by leaps and bounds on that one day. I am trying so hard to savor every little memory I can. I find that sneaking, lurking thought of a next child creeping into my consciousness and I can’t deal. I’m enjoying just being his mom. Being able to pay attention to his milestones and even the mundane actions feel special to me. Add another baby and where does that leave the bond Dax and I have? Oh, I know people have been raising several kids since the beginning of time and it’s just life, but it freaks me out a bit. And the thought of another c-section? Get out! Granted, I’m glad my baby arrived healthy after some “concerns” but it sucked. My c-section experience was not good in that it was horrible, lol. I told my husband we would revisit sibling talk in about a year. I think that gives us a good amount of time to really get to know our first born and fully feel what well rounded parenting is like and to continue forgetting the surgery experience. Ha! So to you, I say, continue what you do. You seem so present and mindful of your motherhood. It’s a pleasure to read about. I also say “Happy Mommiversary”! And to precious Ida, I say Happy Birthday and continue being an amazing gift to your mommy and daddy. So emotional just thinking about all this… :-)
Oh mama I can soooo relate to this. I cringe when people tell me how big my 9 month old is! I mean, can’t she just be a baby for at least a year? And ny four year old too. i just want to experience it in real time without a sense of nostalgia for how little she once was. They are both still so little. I love thinking it has something to do with this culture of scarcity we live in…never enough time, money, sleep, resources…or maybe I’m over thinking. Either way. I have pushed the mute button and am watching this lovely transformation NOW! happy one year beautiful mama and beautiful baby Ida.
Such a lovely and loving post. It’s true, I can remember the turns in the road as we watched the sea, waiting patiently and happily and eager-reluctant for your knocking on the door to become regular so we knew you were (finally) ready i your own time to come out. You too were a bot late…but no trauma to the birth experience, Thank G-d. All quiet joy and wonder. With regard to trauma memories…my experience is that the sensorium-motor memory stays in your body, but/and over time the meaning and the valence of the memory can be, is transformed. E.g. the day I was saved from the peril, instead of,the day I was plagued with the peril. I can so see your joyful self, your awe and wonder at the mystery of each flower as it blooms and fades and twists, in your daughter. And you shall be a blessing.